So remember how I said I don’t watch TV unless I can view it online? Well I’ve been on vacation this week and I’ve been taking it easy. So I checked some of the new television programs airing on some of the major networks. And wouldn’t you know, there’s a new teen drama in town and it claims to be original, captivating, and sexy.

Wanna know what it really is? It’s a drawn out copy of Pretty in Pink sans the heavy electronic drumbeat 80’s songs and John Cryer.

For information’s sake the show is called Hidden Palms and it’s set up to take the place of one of the canceled shows of 2006. It features five completely over priveledged teens living in the relentless heat of Palm Springs, Ca with an endless supply of money, booze, and full on whiny teenage angst. Johnny Miller (such a catchy name, huh?), once a psuedo-bookish introvert has turned rehabbed alcoholic since watching his father commit suicide. His mother remarries after a hot minute to his late father’s best friend and business partner. Oh, how amazingly California. (If the show were staged in Alabama maybe it would have been to her father’s brother whom actually is her cousin twice removed, I digress) On moving day, enter Cliff: a bad James Spader. He tries to do his best ‘Steff’ complete with polo shirts, docker shorts, and flip-flops (the modern day version of penny loafers without socks), but fails miserably. The only thing he’s got going for him is an almost cocky slow west coast drawl that sounds more like he’s got a bite guard in his mouth rather than rich kid driven attitude. Greta, the mystery girl who’s humorously spontaneous (see: she runs through sprinklers wearing only a thin white night gown in the middle of the night), captivates Johnny upon their first wet meeting. He sees this oh so free girl running through what I think was a golf course and follows her… The writers play it up like he’s captivated by her spirit but I think it’s more about seeing slightly post-pubescent boobs without paying for it. Johnny is instantly drawn to Greta (see: following her around, taking creepy photos as she sunbathes at the country club), and their climax scene to date is where she quizzes him to see if he’s a keeper. The questions were: Do you believe in God? You find Titanic and the latest Will Farrell movie on TV, which do you watch? Then, the all telling question: Are you a virgin?

Who fucking writes this shit?

He answers with some ridiculous diatribe about who she really is, you know, because he can tell from her blatant disaffection that she is actually a sappy hopeless romantic with trust issues.

I repeat, who fucking writes this shit?

There is this other gir Liza, who is Molly Ringwald’s Andie and John Cryer’s Duckie all rolled into one. She’s weird, quiet (definitely more Andie than Duckie), and doesn’t fit in with the other kids. She works at the club instead of being a patron… How blue collar of her.

I think I’ve covered the major bases… Wait, there is this underlying dual suicide story involved a boy named Eddie who conveniently ‘killed himself’ in what is now Johnny’s bedroom. I think the mystery of that is supposed to be important… but I can’t remember details. Oh, that’s because the plot line there is fucking terrible and this entire show is poorly acted, written, and constructed. Basically it’s an hour long whine of kids with nothing better to do than sun themselves, get wasted, cry about it, and say things like: Dude. Lame. Whatever. and Drink?

Give me Andie, Duckie, and Iona any fucking day and stuff these kids’ mouths with their overpriced socks. Thanks CW, you’ve created another television show to suck the dignity and the life out of our already lacking teenage generation. Good job.

I for one am in a pretty great mood today. It’s amazing how much of an effect pleasant dreams can have on a person. Not to mention, I think the sun is actually coming out today. Don’t get me wrong, more often than not you’ll hear me say how much I love grey, rainy days but after the huge week long storm we just had, it’ll be nice to say hello to the sun. I’m hoping the weather is decent this weekend, I’d like to spend some time outside.

Moving on. So how did I spend my morning before another hellish day at work? Please, don’t kill me.

I watched the latest episode of The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search For The Next Doll, hosted by Mark McGrath. Can I just say how amusing it is to me that the Sugar Ray lead singer is hosting a pop-tarty show like this? Has anyone heard the Sugar Ray - Floored album ? They were considered Metal (in some warped rose colored glass sort of way). Floored is a flat out musical lie, in the sense that they included the hit song Fly, just to suck in the easily duped masses. I can only imagine the faces of the teenagers who thought Fly was like, the coolest thing ever, get home and put the CD into their stereo and hear RPM come out of the speakers. Bwhahahahahaha. (insert evil finger pointing ‘you idiot’ laughter)

After watching the show, I have a couple things to say. If anyone has been watching you already know that Robin Antin, Drag Queen Extraordinaire and founder of the Pussycat Dolls, is searching for the next installment. Um, is ‘installment’ the right word? It’s like: Oh hey, this faceless lead singer girl wants to go SOLO! Call in the back up! Then POOF!

“Carbon copy hoochie, reporting for duty.” she purrs.

So it’s a week before the finale and the droves of girls that tried out for the only open spot have been whittled down to the four ‘most talented’ candidates. For those who haven’t been watching, let me introduce you to the Final Four.

From the left, Melissa S., Melissa R., Chelsea, and Asia.

In this episode the girls are (insert dramatic voice-over here) pushed to the brink of insanity! Whirlwind (fake) press tours! Endless dance rehearsals! Late night vocal coaching! And last but definitely not least… talking major trash on one another!

The nutshell version of what happens is this: Robin tells the girls the next challenge is all dancing. The Pussycat Dolls are amazing dancers and if any of these girls want to keep up, they’d better step to it. The girls are thrust into “really hard” choreography by hilariously flamboyant Mikey (dance instructor, Oh my god I love him. “WORK IT! WORK IT!“) and work for hours to perfect the PCD trademark booty pop. Fyi, Chelsea has been struggling with her dancing through this entire show and practically everyone involved has told her in many variations: “You suck.” (they are all so eloquent, I’m beside myself). But has that stopped cutesy wootsy Chelsea? Not a chance in hell. She’s worked harder than everyone to overcome her shortcomings (I love that word) and it shows. Well… it does in the end, not in the clips they allow us to see prior to the performance. The person giving Chelsea the most grief would have to be Melissa S. Through the entire competition she’s ragged on her about being a crappy dancer and sealed it with a psuedo-Betty Boop coo and a smile.

At one point in the show, during that insane press tour Mark McGrath is interviewing Melissa S. and asks her the ‘oh so scandalous’ question: “Who out of the remaining girls, in your opinion, should be sent home this week?” Bubblegum Melissa replies: “Chelsea” without a bat of a fake eyelash. The catch here is that the other three PCDPros’ (which could translate to Pussycat Doll Prospects or Prosti-tots, take your pick) are watching from the control room, listening to every drop of backstabbing bloody words uttered on the main stage. Chelsea is clearly not thrilled but also not surprised. Once the interview is over Melissa S. makes her way back to where the other girls are waiting and proceeds to give Chelsea a “hug”. Chelsea doesn’t move an inch. (note: I like her, she’s taken a verbal beating from Melissa S. since the beginning and has handled it well. Had I been in Chelsea’s position I would have gotten kicked off the show AGES ago for pummeling that little betch.)

I’ll spare you the details of the rest of the show and cut to the actual performances and elimination.

The dance number was short and sweet. The judges felt Melissa R. did the best of the four and commended Chelsea for all her hard work… but not until after she was told that she was the noticeable weakest link next to the “great dancers”. Well isn’t that a kick in the pussy…. cat doll?

As for the vocal performances: Melissa S. is up first performing Norah Jones’ - Don’t Know Why. From the first note I was holding my ears begging them not to bleed. Okay, I’m being dramatical. She wasn’t that bad, but to me it was painful. What happens to be one of my favorite Norah Jones songs, has now become “Don’t Know Why (They Picked This Song For Me) by offkey gaudy country singer Melissa S, a.k.a. Queen of the Unnecessary Jazz Hand.

Asia, was given Too Little, Too Late - JoJo. Surprisingly, she impressed me with her version of it. (ha, I say that like I matter or something…) I’m forced to listen to Top 40 radio at work, so I hear this song at least ten times a day… it sucks. It’s been put through every possible Protools effect you can think of and it shows. I wouldn’t want to have to win over the judges approval with a song that is literally a facsimile of a human voice. But Asia did it. Kudos.

Up next, Melissa R. doing Mary J. Blidge - I’m Going Down. I need to say straight out… I LOVE THIS SONG. I have loved this song since my middle school days, so I was nervous to see it performed by someone other than Mary. Melissa R. killed it, in a good way. They didn’t pick the best part of the song for her to sing and really showcase her vocal skills, but regardless she did extremely well.

Last, but I suppose not least, is Chelsea singing What A Girl Wants - Christina Aguilera. Vocally, this chick is the strongest in the competition so I guess I was expecting a lot more than I got. She bored me to tears. I mean that in the nicest way as this girl is my pick to win, but I wasn’t feeling it. She hit every note but there was nothing to watch. Isn’t that the whole point of shows and girl groups of this nature? Stand up there, sing and shake it. If I may, I’d like to refer back to the episode where the girls sang Heartbreaker - Pat Benatar, Chelsea was the only one to shine in that song. I can’t be sure but I’m sensing there was a ‘I know I can sing this so I’ll focus more on the dancing’ pressure factor than we weren’t allowed to see. To quote Mr. Robin Antin: “Pussycat Dolls are sassy but classy.” I saw the classy Chelsea, but where in the bloody hell was the sassy? Boo.

Elimination time came down to Chelsea and Melissa S. I made a comment to M (my roommate) that I suspected Melissa S. was standing there next to her nemesis kitty thinking, “I got dis.”

Turns out, she ain’t got shit. Melissa S. was 86′d from becoming one of the coveted Final 3. Chelsea immediately dropped to her knees, overwhelmed with the decision. I bet she was laughing behind those tears thinking something along the lines of… “Sayonara Sssucka!” (at least I would have been anyway) Facing the judges, Melissa S delivered a b-class farewell speech and then group hugged Asia, Chelsea, and Melissa R. I was waiting for her to start violently pulling Chelsea’s ponytail with bated breath, but I was left crestfallen when it didn’t happen.

So now there is but one more episode of PCD Presents: The Search for The Next Doll left… and I am sadly sucked in to the last second. Next week, I’ll be watching with my coffee to see who the winner will be… and also promising myself that I will detox from all this mind-numbing reality television (via internet). While it has been a long, turbulent road for these Pussy Potentials I will hang up my metaphorical boa and move on with life… but not before I find pre-sex change operation pictures of Robin Antin and post them ALL OVER the internet.

Bwahahahahahahahahaha. Just kidding.

 

 

It’s true… I’m sure I’m behind the times and this is considered ‘old news’ but who the hell cares?

If you haven’t heard… Myspace apparently isn’t cool anymore. What is the world to do now? Where will we all post a billion pictures of ourselves drunkenly making out with our friends? Where will we go to stalk our ex-flames? Where will your garage band from Bumfuck, ID get noticed by a record label and skyrocket to instant rockstar status?

VIRB°.

Oh yes… it’s like myspace redone by Apple.

A friend of mine heard about this a couple weeks ago and told me to check it out… I’ll admit the layout is pretty enticing. I along with the rest of the world, am mesmerized by clean lines, stark futuristic color choices (silver, black, white), and flashy interactive code. However, the deeper I delved into the actual site… the more I realized it was less for me and more of a scenester’s paradise.

Click the above image for a full size view.

So maybe Myspace is on it’s way out… but if not, these emotional kiddies will have not one, but TWO places to go and plaster their faces across the internet.

As a side note, this whole “Emo Lifestyle” fad is really starting to take over… has anyone noticed? If you know the actual origins of Emo, you’re probably as annoyed as I am. But see, I can find humor in all this… I saw a clip on YouTube (see: Myspace in MOTION!) not too long ago that was a news brief from Michigan? Minnesota? I can’t remember, one of those middle M states. Okay… Sorry, I just looked it up… it was North Dakota. (see: the same fucking thing) Anyway, it was all about people describing “Emos”, yes… it is a plural word now and how to spot an Emo. (also a pronoun apparently) Here is how you tell:

• Asymmetrical haircut dyed black.
• Tight fitted jeans (most likely girls jeans worn by both the male and female Emo)
• Tight band tshirt (fall out boy[HA!], or consequently New Found Glory [for the more confused Emo])
• Studded belt.
• Etc, Etc. I need not go into harsh detail because it has already been done for me. See: How To Dress Emo 2.0 by Rob Dobi
  

(By the way if anyone has seen my own personal Myspace, my default photo is a tribute (see: serious joking imitation) to the Myspace Emo kids.)

What’s more amusing is that in that same YouTube clip I mentioned, is that they reference this very same website as a guide on how to spot them! I love it!!

The town Sheriff (or resident Rent-a-cop) states that it is “not like Goth, no chains or stuff like that… but all black hair, hair that covers half your face so they can only see the world in half view.” There is even mention of some sort of point system? You can earn points by cutting yourself, crying a lot, and wearing tight sweaters.

No, I’m not kidding. Before I move on I have to show a screenshot of a sketch that was included in the clip, it made me laugh out loud:

I digress.

Back to VIRB°. “Emos” all over the world are going to go gaga over this site… Well, as long as someone trendy enough promotes it. People will migrate (ha, like the Emo Emu. Sorry, I had to) over to VIRB and Myspace will be a whisper of pop-culture’s past. Kinda like Friendster… does anyone remember Friendster?

I just got this “Leader Of The Pack” Image in my head of VIRB°’s cute little logo on a Harley with Myspace, Friendster, and Facebook all trailing behind on dirtbikes. Wow. I’m seriously twisted.

_EDIT: Here is a crude rendition of what popped into my brain.

 

I just finished watching The Gathering and while I really wanted to get into the story, I found it nearly impossible. (about a quarter of the way through my attention had diverted to surfing Craigslist for randomness with the occasional click back to the movie when I thought something interesting was happening) The opening wasn’t too bad and I’ll say I was mildly creeped out by Ricci’s expression and voice during one specific scene. Maybe it’s because Christina already has a decent creep factor buried within her presence or (unnaturally large forehead) maybe I was scraping… Either way that was where the draw ended for me.

Enter Cassie Grant (you don’t know her name until later but this makes it easier for me), a backpacking American wandering through countryside England on a rainy day. A woman is driving with her son on a back road and hits Cassie landing her in the hospital. The woman, Marion, a good samaritan stays at the hospital while Cassie is tested and is told that there isn’t really anything wrong with her other than a few bumps and bruises. She also learns Cassie has temporary memory loss and nowhere to stay so she takes her in, allowing her to stay in her home until she is feeling better. (Let me make mention that the ‘creepy’ scene I referred to earlier is right around this point in the movie. Marion’s son walks to Cassie’s bedside and her eyes open as she whispers, “Michael”… and cut to black.) As I said, Cassie doesn’t remember why she was coming to Abbey’s Wake to begin with and almost instantly (and alarmingly in my opinion) takes up as Au Pair to Marion’s children Michael and Emma. I need to interject here… okay, you run over this random nomad, take her into your house, she barely remembers a thing and flat out states she is feeling “off” and you let her take care of your kids without so much as a bat of an eye? Sure… that’s completely normal. Regardless, the kids take to her… especially Michael. Both he and Cassie are plagued by horrific visions of murder. Cassie can’t explain the things she is seeing but she is determined to figure them out.

Another aspect of the film is the finding of an underground church complete with ancient (and unexplained) bas-relief supposedly created by a first hand witness of the crucifixion of Christ. A Professor/Historian/Anthopologist (also husband to Marion, father to Michael and Emma) is hired to study and possibly excavate the structure under the watchful eye and close-lipped neighboring clergy.

At this point the movie rushes on with a distant connection between the figures carved in the bas-relief and certain people living in the town. The “sub-subplot” revolved around an old structure once a Children’s Hospital or Home (I forget which… I told you, nothing about this movie really sunk in) now converted into the Professor’s home. Years prior, the quaint English village was wracked with rumors of prominent members of the town’s community abusing/molesting a child living in the boarding house, but all involved were acquitted of any charges. Since then the townspeople have wanted to brush the horrific story under the rug, all but one of course…

Again, the movie rushes through the connections of the child that was abused (Freddie Argyle [side note: Argyle is a cool last name], now an adult still living in Abbey’s Wake) with the present day residents of the house (see: Michael). The filmmakers lack an explanation as to why revenge would be sought on the otherwise innocent kid. All of this ties in to the “watchers” of the crucifixion in the sense that these people were punished by God for standing by while such a terrible crime was committed. They were cursed to live on forever being present at the world’s most horrific events. (see: JFK’s assassination, the dropping of the A-bomb, the torture of slaves etc). The Gathering (dun dun dun… see title entrance!) have joined once again, in this town to watch the one-by-one murder of the people who abused Freddie years and years ago.

What is Cassie’s relation to all the goings on? I don’t want to give the entire movie away (though it’s possible I already did) but the climax scene is sadly… anti-climactical. If you are as much of a movie cynic as I am and like to pay close attention and figure a film out before it even comes close to ending… here’s a hint: watch the sequence of images during the DVD menu titles. Watch them closely. I’m sure you’ll be as ‘enthused’ to watch the rest of the story unfold (or scatter in five thousand directions) as I was.

In retrospect the plot had potential, people as a general rule are natural voyeurs. Take traffic jams for instance… half the time the back up is caused by ONE car that has been pulled over by a cop, but people have to slow down and see what is going on anyway. It only gets worse when there is any sort of accident regardless of the severity. People love carnage in any form of the word. Tying this natural obsession with the witnesses of Christ’s crucifixion is a pretty clever start, but I feel the filmmakers felt short with developing the connections to all the characters that had been introduced.

On a closing note, I will say there was one scene of the movie that I enjoyed thoroughly… In the very very beginning, the movie opens with two college-like party kids climbing a hill (while smoking pot) to check out the view of the land. The girl gets a little ahead of her friend admiring the landscape and suggesting they should have brought a blanket. She turns to see her friend is gone and takes a few steps towards where he was standing calling out his name. All of sudden WOOSH! She falls through a crack in the ground like Alice through the rabbit hole. Hilarious. Okay. I’m an asshole, I know. But it was funny… really.

I just watched the full length version of Avril Lavigne’s new video “Girlfriend”.

And I liked it.

I know, right? Where has snobby musical elitist ‘me’ gone? I’m right here… let me explain.

I have mouthed off about Miss Avril many a time. Up until this point she has fooled all of her fans into thinking she was some hard edged rocker. She’s so punk you know? for wearing ties… kicking down garbage cans in shopping malls… wearing horribly matched (or maybe not so matched) outfits to premieres of whatever… but the truth is that she was really just a regular girl from Canada who could play a little guitar and screech through a microphone with halfway decent style. In no way is she this amazing vocal artist but she isn’t an atrocity either.

This time around she’s finally acting like she should have all along: poppy, a tiny bit edgier (and less slutty) than the generic pop star (mainly because she doesn’t hump snakes in her videos), blonde, and bubbly.

Her song Girlfriend is reminiscent of “Hey Mickey” and is even equipped with a quick montage of you’ll never guess… DANCERS! Yes the faux-punk princess is dancing with back-up!

Hilarity ensued. (at least for me)

Thanks for being real Avril, you made my Monday. Hahahahah

p.s. what’s better? I read the reviews of the song on iTunes and all her “I’ve been a fan since like, before she like, got famous” fans…. HATE the new image and HATE the new song. They think she’s like… selling out.

This made me laugh harder. She sold out a long time ago… but at least this time she can wear a LOT less eyeliner.