The weather has been pretty intense for the last few days… Rain, thunder, lightning, flooding all over the place… I love it.

As I have done many times before, I am sitting at my kitchen table drinking coffee and looking out the window at the highway and listening to the rain hit the pavement. Things have been different for me lately… I saw an acupuncturist a week ago and I have felt a drastic difference in so many aspects of my life. I mean, nothing has turned a 180 but I can definitely feel the changes starting to happen. I went to see her for a number of things but mainly for anxiety and stress. My job gets under my skin more often than not and after three years of it I am starting to see the effects of all the frustration, aggravation, and lack of drive in every part of me. My problem with it all is that no matter how hard I work, it just doesn’t matter to anyone, in fact, they just pile more on top of you because you’re capable of doing it. What’s worse is that the people who could care less and weasel their way out of things get the encouragement. I don’t care what anyone says… that alone could get anyone down. That tied in with a few other, more personal things was starting to get to a point where I was headed to a very dark place and I had to do something.

I also have been slowly (very slowly, since it’s a hard process) getting rid of things I own, as well as cutting ties, that don’t fit into my life anymore. It’s hard because there are memories attached to everything and letting go is never easy. I feel like I need to stop hoping things can change and start making the changes on my own. I’m not good at this all of the time. I start off strong and then get discouraged and always have to start over and over. I guess I’m going to try a little hard this time. Baby steps.

All of this being said, I’ve felt much better as of late. Happier, more energetic, and easy-going… even at work.

As much as I like rain, I’m hoping the weather clears up for Saturday. Reese, B, myself, and possibly a couple of others are planning a beach trip. I just want to be in the sun. It’s been a long time since I’ve been comfortable enough with myself to do something like that. Body image stuff, you know… but whatever. It’s summer and I am determined to have fun.

Work time. Might write more later? Cheers.

This is the earliest I’ve been awake in awhile and it feels nice. Something about waking up early and having coffee before the sun takes control of the day is strangley motivating for me. Though I still like it better when it’s grey and today it is.

I had a pretty great weekend. B and I hit the mall and saw a matinee of The Dark Knight which was awesome on many levels. I won’t go into a long diatribe about Heath Ledger’s performance because for some reason it seems superfluous. The movie wasn’t good because he was in it and now he’s dead. It was good because it just was. After that we headed over to Indie Arts Fest and watched roller derby, a few bands, and some really cool performances. We stumbled into the opening ceremony of Waterfire, which I have never seen but found to be super cool.

Today it’s back to work and though I’m not thrilled, I’m not dreading it like I usually do. Shit, it’s seven a.m. I should start getting somethings done.

Sometimes I have dreams of living in New York City. It’s possible that most people have the same dream, if not a flash of a thought of what it might be like to call themselves a true New Yorker.

I was raised in and out of the city, in part because of family and otherwise because that is where I went to feel most myself. There is something about the energy, the concrete, the smell of asphalt, and the rush that always swept me up and made me feel like that is where I belonged, where I would one day live.

It’s raining in Providence today. I woke up this morning and took Sebastian to the vet for a check-up. His doctor gave him a sparkling bill of health despite that in his opinion, Sebastian is a tad on the chunky side. After we left the vet I took the long way home and drove through Downcity. I like downtown Providence. I like the narrow streets and the corner coffee shops, the brick buildings and the feel of living amidst a slight hustle and bustle. I wish I could live there, maybe I’d be happier.

But I still have that dream of living in New York. It usually ends with me carrying my last box up five flights of stairs, setting it down with an exhausted sigh, and throwing myself upon a mattress that is on the floor - because my bed isn’t set up yet. As I close my eyes and begin to slide away into an afternoon nap, thunder cracks and rattles my eyes awake and it begins to rain. I lie there thinking that that rain is mine, it falls on my roof, in the first apartment that I will every truly love and then I fall asleep. And wake up.

Romanticized as it sounds there is a strong pull that draws me to New York from wherever I live. When I lived in California, I thought of New York more often than not. I thought it’d be easier when I moved here since the distance isn’t as hard to travel, but it’s still the same. I have that dream over and over, and I always wake up wishing that someday it would come true.

Anything can happen I guess, so I’ll just have to see.

The definition of The Spirit of Exploration lie in the word ‘Spirit’.

I believe to really be able to explore, to seek out, to look for experiences outside the confining borders of a working-person’s daily life, one must have spirit. It takes a certain kind of person to wake up one morning and walk away from everything he or she knows to be comfortable and to immerse oneself fearlessly into the world.

Here’s the thing: it doesn’t have to be an expensive, exotic location to change a person’s perspective on their own life. I realized this not too long ago; it took a long time to get here. I am a twenty-five year old female that has lived in a handful of different states on both coasts and driven across the middle of the country and really has yet to find that spirit and learn how to explore. It almost doesn’t make sense, I had so many opportunities to put myself out there and to allow myself to feel uncomfortable long enough to figure out how to deal with it - to figure out how to explore even some of the most mundane cities and find something inspiring on each street corner, alley way, local bar or highway.

Currently, I live alone and have lived in the same state for two years now. Until very recently, something kept me from exploring the streets I travel on everyday, from meeting new people and learning from them, and from allowing myself to become acquainted with this city.

The Spirit of Exploration encompasses a lack of inhibition, a recklessness most lose with childhood. I can’t say if it happens to everyone, in fact, I would argue that it doesn’t and admit envy for those people who have managed to get older and still take chances. My exploration begins now with the town that I am living in and will continue to grow without fear or apprehension of what might happen until I’ve seen all there is to see.

Which if I understand correctly, means that there is no end in sight.

For the last few hours I have been watching documentaries online, making mental plans for trips I want to take in the future, looking at classifieds in the Providence Phoenix, and realizing that I have a complete obsession with India and must travel there someday. The documentary I am watching at the moment is one about the secrets of the Taj Mahal and the love story that inspired its construction. It doesn’t surprise me that something that meticulously built, something that beautiful was made to immortalize a powerful kind of love.

That structure is something I must and will see someday.

It was a warm day in Providence - muggy with thick air floating through the windows until the afternoon when a swift breeze pushed out the heaviness of the day and brought in a few showers to cool things off. I took a bike ride earlier in the morning when the heat felt its worst. I only stopped once for a few minutes to drink water and completed my entire 4.5 mile route in about 15-20 minutes. I wasn’t riding for speed, but just to get my heart rate going and give myself some desperately needed energy. Later in the day I got slightly antsy from being inside and ended up heading out on another ride, only to get caught in rain.

I loved every minute of it. I actually extended my unplanned route just so I could continue to ride in the rain. By the time I got home I was soaked to the bone and smiling to myself about how sometimes it’s nice to be alone with music and the comfort of your own thoughts, whatever they may be.

I feel like something is happening, something bigger than the life I am leading right now, but I can’t figure out what it is. Something is changing within me and at this point, I can only hope that the change is for the better. Either way, I feel open and vulnerable but for the first time… not scared to get hurt.