So remember how I said I don’t watch TV unless I can view it online? Well I’ve been on vacation this week and I’ve been taking it easy. So I checked some of the new television programs airing on some of the major networks. And wouldn’t you know, there’s a new teen drama in town and it claims to be original, captivating, and sexy.

Wanna know what it really is? It’s a drawn out copy of Pretty in Pink sans the heavy electronic drumbeat 80’s songs and John Cryer.

For information’s sake the show is called Hidden Palms and it’s set up to take the place of one of the canceled shows of 2006. It features five completely over priveledged teens living in the relentless heat of Palm Springs, Ca with an endless supply of money, booze, and full on whiny teenage angst. Johnny Miller (such a catchy name, huh?), once a psuedo-bookish introvert has turned rehabbed alcoholic since watching his father commit suicide. His mother remarries after a hot minute to his late father’s best friend and business partner. Oh, how amazingly California. (If the show were staged in Alabama maybe it would have been to her father’s brother whom actually is her cousin twice removed, I digress) On moving day, enter Cliff: a bad James Spader. He tries to do his best ‘Steff’ complete with polo shirts, docker shorts, and flip-flops (the modern day version of penny loafers without socks), but fails miserably. The only thing he’s got going for him is an almost cocky slow west coast drawl that sounds more like he’s got a bite guard in his mouth rather than rich kid driven attitude. Greta, the mystery girl who’s humorously spontaneous (see: she runs through sprinklers wearing only a thin white night gown in the middle of the night), captivates Johnny upon their first wet meeting. He sees this oh so free girl running through what I think was a golf course and follows her… The writers play it up like he’s captivated by her spirit but I think it’s more about seeing slightly post-pubescent boobs without paying for it. Johnny is instantly drawn to Greta (see: following her around, taking creepy photos as she sunbathes at the country club), and their climax scene to date is where she quizzes him to see if he’s a keeper. The questions were: Do you believe in God? You find Titanic and the latest Will Farrell movie on TV, which do you watch? Then, the all telling question: Are you a virgin?

Who fucking writes this shit?

He answers with some ridiculous diatribe about who she really is, you know, because he can tell from her blatant disaffection that she is actually a sappy hopeless romantic with trust issues.

I repeat, who fucking writes this shit?

There is this other gir Liza, who is Molly Ringwald’s Andie and John Cryer’s Duckie all rolled into one. She’s weird, quiet (definitely more Andie than Duckie), and doesn’t fit in with the other kids. She works at the club instead of being a patron… How blue collar of her.

I think I’ve covered the major bases… Wait, there is this underlying dual suicide story involved a boy named Eddie who conveniently ‘killed himself’ in what is now Johnny’s bedroom. I think the mystery of that is supposed to be important… but I can’t remember details. Oh, that’s because the plot line there is fucking terrible and this entire show is poorly acted, written, and constructed. Basically it’s an hour long whine of kids with nothing better to do than sun themselves, get wasted, cry about it, and say things like: Dude. Lame. Whatever. and Drink?

Give me Andie, Duckie, and Iona any fucking day and stuff these kids’ mouths with their overpriced socks. Thanks CW, you’ve created another television show to suck the dignity and the life out of our already lacking teenage generation. Good job.